ready to jump

Today was another in what is becoming a series of difficult days. The details are boring, only because I've been talking about it so much I can't stand to go over it again right now. Suffice to say that when it's all over, and my world is right again, I will write a post about the hell that my life has become. I overstate it, I know. I should be grateful for my many blessings, thank god or whoever that I have the ability to do what I do, and my problems are small compared to so many who are really suffering with disease, starvation, blah blah blah. My man at the factory, Hector, suggested I meditate. Things have gotten so bad I'm actually considering it.

This afternoon, as I wrapped up a gigantic order for a fab new store in New York, Antara Home, my angst was so deep I left the studio and called my pal, Laura Zindel. Laura used to be a Bay Area potter, and I still have the bottle with a hand drawn dung beetle on it that I traded for at a show the very first time we met. That was almost 10 years ago. Laura now lives in Vermont and no longer hand draws each dung beetle on her pots, because her business has gotten so big and demand is such that she has a full-on factory/production studio happening. I knew she was the right person to talk me off the ledge, because she has been there when shit ain't goin' right, and you have a client breathing down your neck, and the fucking glaze is fucked and turning black, or the plates are warping and cracking, or the kiln decided to go insane and overfire everything.

Laura told me a hideous story about trying to fill a monster order for-- a girl's favorite store-- Anthropologie. I hope Laura will tell the story when she guest blogs on Diana Fayt's blog next month, because it truly illustrates the expression, "watch what you wish for". I've been praying for the Anthropologies, the Barneys, all the big stores and names to come knocking, and I've been dutifully preparing myself for just that. But I'm gradually realizing, big orders don't equal big happiness. In fact, it can just equal big stress. I think I can handle it, but right now I'm still on the learning curve. And wondering if I know what I really want. I think I do, but when I realize the pressure that comes with running a big, successful production pottery business, I wonder if growth is the answer for me, and if my marriage could survive it. I'm going to finish off the bottle of wine I started and think about it.